It's selection time again. Forty players, two teams and only one coveted 'First Team.'

On the surface, this should be exciting—competition, opportunity, recognition. But for me, it is the hardest part of coaching. I hate disappointing players. I know how much effort they’ve invested, the long hours of training, the sacrifices, and the dreams tied up in wearing that starting jersey. And yet, on selection day, some players leave the room elated, while others walk out gutted.

The next morning, the campus feels heavy. I see the disappointment in their body language—heads down, energy flat, eyes avoiding mine. Some players are sad, some bitter, some angry. The emotional spectrum is wide, but the common denominator is unmistakable: unfulfilled expectations.

And here’s the hard truth: I can’t carry that weight for them.

Nor can you for your employees, colleagues, or peers. As leaders, we must remind people—and ourselves—that each of us is responsible for our own happiness.

The Science of Disappointment

Research tells us disappointment is not just an emotion; it has measurable effects on performance and well-being. Psychologists Joanna B. Lampert and Michael J. Lerner (1989) found that disappointment triggers withdrawal behaviors—people disengage, withdraw effort and lose focus. More recently, neuroscience research from University College London showed that negative prediction errors—when reality falls short of expectation—activate brain regions associated with pain.

In other words, disappointment literally hurts.

But what leaders must recognize is that staying in that state is a choice. Studies on resilience, such as those by Martin Seligman and the University of Pennsylvania’s Positive Psychology Center, highlight that reframing setbacks—seeing them as temporary, specific, and external—predicts higher motivation and future success. The difference is mindset, not circumstance.

Responsibility and Agency

When a player doesn’t make the first team, they stand at a crossroads. They can mope, complain, and poison the locker room with negativity.

Or they can reframe the situation:

• Can I embrace my new role, even if it isn’t what I dreamed?
• Can I set a different goal that still brings me fulfillment?
• Or do I need to move on to a new environment where my contributions are fully valued?

This is not just about athletes. In the workplace, we all know people who didn’t get the promotion, weren’t assigned to the high-visibility project, or were overlooked for a role they wanted. Too often, their disappointment metastasizes—becoming toxic not only to themselves but also to the team.

The reality is simple. If you stay in an environment constantly comparing yourself to others, lusting after what they have, you will be miserable. You’ll make others miserable, too.

Leadership’s Role: Clarity and Kindness

There’s another side to this equation: the responsibility of leaders. Nothing is worse than keeping people in limbo—dangling opportunities, avoiding honest feedback, or trying to soften the blow so much that expectations linger. I’ve learned the hard way: when you keep people in a zone of uncertainty, no one wins.

As leaders, our job is to provide clarity. Tell people where they stand. Give them authentic feedback. And if the fit isn’t right, help them move on to a place where they can thrive. That is the kindest thing you can do.

Research backs this up. A study published in the Academy of Management Journal found that employees who received clear, candid feedback—even if negative—reported higher trust in their leaders than those who received vague, sugar-coated messages. Ambiguity erodes confidence. Clarity, even when painful, builds it.

The Choice Before Us

So what do we do when disappointment arrives at our doorstep? Three options stand out:

1. Reframe the goal. Shift the lens. Instead of “I didn’t get the promotion,” ask, “What skills can I sharpen so I’m ready for the next one?” Instead of telling yourself, “I didn’t make the first team,” ask, “How can I become indispensable in my role on the second?”
2. Find joy in contribution. Research by Teresa Amabile at Harvard shows that small wins significantly boost motivation and happiness. Fulfillment doesn’t always come from the title or the spotlight—it can come from the process, the learning, and the daily progress.
3. Move on with courage. If the environment no longer serves you, step away. Find the team, the boss, the organization that values your skills and helps you flourish. Life is too short to stay miserable.

The Leadership Imperative

For the disappointed individual, the mandate is clear: you are responsible for your own happiness. For the leader, the mandate is just as clear: don’t keep people in false hope. Provide clarity, give feedback, and release them to find their greatness—whether with you or beyond you.

Happiness at work, like on the soccer field, is not guaranteed by outcomes. It is shaped by how we interpret setbacks, how leaders frame reality, and how each of us chooses to respond.

Dreams will not always be met. Opportunities will not always fall your way. But joy? That part is up to you.