I spoke to a leader the other day after a keynote, and he brought up a really important question.

How do we lead others who continue to have self-deprecating talk and just don’t have the self-confidence they need to excel?

How refreshing to have a leader with genuine care and concern about their team inquire about how they can help others be the best version of themselves!

If you are leading someone who is constantly belittling themselves, downplaying their accomplishments, or has trouble taking compliments, you might be working with someone who is having a crisis of self-confidence or has been battling self-confidence issues all their life. They might have just been promoted to a new role or have just had a cascade of failures and are wearing the cloak of imposter syndrome. Over time they might have developed these habits from being in a critical relationship with a supervisor or a family member, where someone has been nit-picking at them, and they have developed this self-deprecating behaviour as a protective measure from rejection and criticism. 

Here’s a couple of ways that I have helped colleagues and friends stop the out-loud self-deprecating or quiet inner-voice negative self-talk that can inhibit their ability to lead and impact both their self-confidence and their performance: 

Many of us who participate in out loud negative self-talk or eschewing away compliments from others don’t even know we are doing it until someone brings it to our attention. It has become so routine over the years, it’s just something of who we are. It’s important for leaders to point out this behavior in the moment by actually identifying the specific behaviours that are damaging the person’s reputation and effectiveness. I remember when two different people brought this to my attention in separate instances. In one situation, I had been using humor towards myself in a negative way that put myself down. In another situation, I was downplaying my past accomplishments as a coach when taking on a new role by saying I was ‘rusty’ and had not coached full time for several years even though I had just qualified a team for a top division this past summer. It took me a moment to accept this feedback; but, when I reflected, they were right. This was my imposter syndrome bearing itself out. So, the first step is to help people see and hear how they are coming across and how that might be perceived.

When I notice low-confidence in someone on my team, I start paying attention to it. I actually jot down the phrases they used in a meeting and tick the number of times I saw their physical or verbal tell that they are not confident. It might be following up an idea they are proposing with something like, “I’m not really sure how helpful this is,” or “But, what do I know?” Or it might be beginning a presentation saying, “I know I’m not really that good at this,” or “I don’t usually do this sort of thing.”

If you find yourselves using these phrases …STOP IT! 

You are undermining your ability to lead your team and giving others permission to be critical of you.

Once I’ve identified the specific behaviors I’d like my team member to address, I catch them right after meeting/conversation to bring it to their attention: “Did you know that when you said (phrase noted), it tells me you don’t really believe in yourself?”  It’s important to catch them in the moment because I don’t want a long time to go between the actual instance and my feedback to them. Timing is crucial to the learning. I want them to recognize how their behavior is impacting my belief in them, and more importantly, how it’s impacting their team members’ and clients’ belief in them. I’ve often found that when I point these behaviors out to folks, they are genuinely surprised about their negative self-talk and the frequency of their self-deprecating behavior.

I have also asked folks to start a little record keeping to draw their attention to their critical inner voice. “If you are near your phone, put a little symbol right in the notes section every time you say something negative or you think something negative. Or if you’re a paper person, pull open your calendar or journal and just put a little minus sign to count up your negative dialogue in your thoughts throughout the day.” Look for the patterns. It’s important to recognize the frequency of negative self-talk and try to discern if there’s a causal relationship. Sometimes with my clients, we will review their notes against their calendar to find out if there are specific triggers that are setting them off. Is the negative self-talk after dealing with a certain individual, team or project? Identifying what is leading to that negative self-talk makes it easier to disrupt the pattern. Sometimes that negative self-talk might be brought on because of your association with a critical person or perhaps simply because you are not that comfortable in a particular situation and need more training to feel like an expert.

As a leader, once you’ve identified the negative self-talk and found the patterns, it’s important for you to share with your colleague some anchoring techniques to help them disrupt the behavior.

For example:

As soon as you notice yourself saying a negative phrase, snap your fingers, clap your hands or take a deep breath in and out. Use your body to disrupt that negative thought, and then replace it with an affirmation--a positive statement of who you are and what you’re about. Share your personal affirmations with this person or help them come up with one or two for themselves. You will all know my three favourites:

1. I am the captain of my ship and the master of my fate.
2. Nobody out works me.
3. I can learn anything. 

Leaders who choose to invest in the self-confidence of those they lead help improve the bottom line for their organizations, as well as, develop the leadership and interpersonal skills of the future leaders. Everyone wins.