Lately, I've been out recruiting for a soccer team I'm coaching, literally everywhere. What am I most looking for? Confidence

Most people think confidence is something you show. Stand taller. Speak louder. Sell it harder. The confidence that actually lasts—the kind that carries you through setbacks, criticism and change—isn’t something you project. It’s something you stand on.

I’ve spent decades coaching athletes, advising leaders and working with high performers in moments when confidence is most fragile—after a loss, a mistake, a bad quarter or a public failure.

Here’s what I’ve learned: Real confidence isn’t loud. It’s steady, and it doesn’t disappear the moment things get uncomfortable.

Why Fragile Confidence Is So Exhausting

When confidence is fragile, life feels like a series of threats. Feedback doesn’t feel helpful—it feels personal. Silence feels like rejection. Disagreement feels like disrespect.

I see this all the time with new players joining a team or new employees entering an organization. Some walk in nervous. Some walk in grounded. The difference doesn’t show up where you’d expect. It’s not in how hard they work. It’s not in how social they are.

It shows up the moment they’re asked to do something differently. The ones with fragile confidence often push back, explain or defend. The grounded ones lean in. They try. They ask questions. They congratulate a teammate who’s getting attention—because they trust they will earn their own turn. That’s the quiet confidence that lasts.

When Your Identity Is on the Line, Everything Feels Personal

Psychologists studying self-determination theory tell us that people perform best when their sense of self is rooted in three things:

Competence    +    Autonomy    +    Connection

It’s NOT rooted in approval, admiration or being right. When your confidence depends on validation, your nervous system never rests. You’re constantly scanning the room.

Am I winning?
Am I liked?
Am I losing ground?

At that point, you’re not defending an idea. You’re defending your Self. 

The Gift of Cognitive Slack

When confidence is grounded, you gain something rare: Space. Space to think. Space to listen. Space to change your mind without feeling smaller.

I call this cognitive slack—the space that allows good judgment to emerge. That slack—not charisma, not bravado, not bold vision—is what produces everyday excellence. It’s why the best leaders don’t rush to fill silence. It’s why the best athletes can adjust mid-game. It’s why the best partners repair quickly instead of holding out a stalemate until they become distant.

The Surprising Role of Doubt

Here’s the part we don’t talk about enough: a little doubt isn’t the enemy of confidence.

It’s the guardian of it. High performers regularly question their assumptions. They review tape. They debrief. They reflect.

Anyone who’s worked with me knows I’m unapologetically committed to reflection—'Stop, Start, Continue’ type conversations, end-of-season reviews, and post-event debriefs. I champion reflection, not because I enjoy critique, but because reflection sharpens performance. Unchecked certainty makes you rigid. Reflection keeps you learning. The most confident leaders I know still ask for coaching. They read the literature. They listen to mentors. Sometimes they’re the expert. Sometimes they’re the student. Often—on different issues—they’re both. That’s not weakness. That’s how high performance actually works.

What Grounded Confidence Looks Like

At work, grounded confidence looks like:

• Asking better questions instead of giving faster answers
• Letting others shine without feeling diminished
• Making decisions calmly, not theatrically

At home, it looks like:

• Needing to be heard more than needing to be right
• Repairing quickly after conflict
• Allowing others to struggle without rushing in to rescue

In relationships, it looks like:

• Boundaries without ultimatums
• Vulnerability without oversharing
• Commitment without control

Across every domain, confidence stops being something you prove and becomes something you practice. 

The Quiet Test of Confidence

If you’re unsure of how grounded your confidence is, ask yourself: How do you behave when no one is applauding? Do you still prepare? Do you still tell the truth? Do you still choose the harder, cleaner path?

That’s real confidence--not the kind that demands validation—the kind that produces consistency. Consistency, over time, is what we often mistake for talent.

A Final Thought

Confidence isn’t believing you’re exceptional. It’s believing you’ll be okay—even when you’re not great yet. That belief changes how you speak, how you listen, how you lead, and even how you love. Grow your deep confidence quietly—by raising the standard of how you show up, by seeking feedback, by staying open, and by remembering that growth itself is a worthy goal. Stable confidence isn’t louder. It’s not flashier. It’s just steadier, and in the long run, that’s the kind of confidence worth building.