The Hardest Part of Leadership: Giving—and Receiving—Tough Feedback

Last week I had to deliver some tough news to two players that they weren’t good enough to make the cut. It was a hard message for me because both players were genuinely hard workers, were good for culture and had talent that was just on the tipping point of being in the mix for selection for our team.   

What happened next revealed two very different leadership lessons—one about how we respond to feedback, and the other about how leaders should handle those responses.

Lesson One: Feedback Hurts—How You Respond Matters

Player #1: His initial reaction was frustration. His face said it all: sour, pouty, full of blame. This feedback had come just before our season opening trip away, and I was going to give several players ‘on the bubble’ a chance to prove me wrong. Publicly acting out his feelings caused Player #1 to lose another opportunity to prove his case for promotion. I didn’t take Player #1 with us. He was left behind because taking him would have meant endorsing his negative body language and poor attitude. Leaders can’t reward behavior that erodes culture. Whether we see it or not, your team is always watching how you handle difficult situations. 

The behaviours you endorse and reward are the ones which form your culture.

Player #2 reacted differently, but just as destructively. He skipped practice. He shut down. He found excuses not to show up—sickness, errands, obligations that suddenly took priority. On the surface, it looked like he had ‘quit quietly,’ but underneath was the same hurt. Some folks withdraw secretly hoping we’ll do anything to draw them back in. I didn’t chase him down.

How we respond to tough and challenging feedback determines our success.

Fast forward two weeks, and Player #1 chose to give the feedback credence. While he disagreed with my assessment, he set out to prove me wrong. He changed his attitude and fought hard to do as I asked in practice, so I gave him a chance in a tough game. He rose to the occasion. He literally went from seventh choice to starter material in less than a fortnight—all because he chose persistence over resentment. This is the essence of growth.

Research from the American Psychological Association shows that the ability to adapt and bounce back after setbacks—is one of the strongest predictors of long-term success. Carol Dweck’s work on the growth mindset reinforces this: those who see feedback as a tool for growth, rather than a personal attack, are far more likely to thrive.

It’s not the feedback that defines you. It’s what you do next.

Lesson Two: Leaders Must Hold the Line on Culture

As leaders, it’s tempting to cave when people respond poorly to tough feedback. After all, nobody enjoys conflict. You want to smooth things over, give someone what they want, or avoid another tense conversation.

Leadership isn’t about comfort. It’s about clarity.

This isn’t just about sports. Research published in Harvard Business Review (Goler, Gale, Harrington, & Grant, 2016) found that employees who receive candid, constructive feedback are more engaged and perform better than those who only receive positive reinforcement.

The leader’s role is not just to deliver feedback, but also to set expectations for how people respond to it. If we don’t hold the line, we risk creating cultures where excuses thrive and accountability fades.

Leaders: Don’t Confuse Feedback with a Final Judgment

One of the most important roles of a leader is to ensure that feedback doesn’t turn into a life sentence. While I hold any player accountable for poor performance, I always consider it a ‘teachable moment.’ I wait to see the change I’ve asked for to show me that learning has occurred. When I see the needle move, I reward it with praise and actions, like more opportunities, to reinforce the behaviors I want to persist. I may be waiting longer for one individual's change than another's. In the next fortnight or the next season, Player #2 may come around asking for another chance and demonstrate the changes I've asked for. If that happens, I'll be genuinely pleased for him and leave a pathway to make space for his growth. I hope he will. A leader’s job is to change behaviour in individuals that builds a high-performance team. 

Leaders must balance firmness with fairness. Feedback is a moment in time, not a permanent label.

In fact, Gallup research on high-performing teams emphasizes that continuous coaching and opportunities to apply feedback are critical for growth. Employees who feel they have a chance to learn and grow are 2.9 times more likely to be engaged at work.

Critical feedback should sting—but it should also guide. As leaders, we must create pathways for people to show they’ve learned, so they can transform disappointment into drive. 

Final Reflection: Feedback Is a Two-Way Street

I am reminded that leadership is about dual responsibilities:

1. For the person receiving feedback: Your success depends on how you respond when life tells you, “Not yet.” Do you shut down, or do you show up?
2. For the leader giving feedback: Your credibility rests on whether you reinforce the right behaviors. Do you reward negativity to avoid discomfort, or do you hold the line on culture while still giving second chances to those who rise to them?

As difficult as these moments are, they define both the growth of individuals and the culture of teams. In the end, leadership isn’t just about giving feedback. It’s about shaping how people—and organizations—respond to it.